Memory is emotional
My creative interests stem from the experience of losing my father to suicide at a young age. I have memories of walking around with his funeral pamphlet, singing the ceremonial hymn over and over in an attempt to comfort myself. My primary school teacher at the time told me to stop singing about my father’s death, and to stop talking about it altogether; she said that people did not want to know about my pain. My family, too, turned silent. No one was guiding me about how to deal with the pain, beyond the instruction to keep it hidden. It has been 27 years, and time has not changed the impact of the trauma. Instead, it has only left me with more unanswerable – or, at any rate, unanswered – questions. Time created around my father a growing silence, as well as diminishing traces of his existence. My creative processes unfold in search of identity, memories, and belonging and involve a never-ending investigation into my life without him. My study focuses on the unspeakable condition of pain. I draw on my own experience of being a suicide survivor,[i] and I explore the complexity of speaking publicly about my pain as opposed to keeping it private.
[i] A suicide survivor or a survivor of suicide is a family member or friend of someone who has committed suicide (Bryant 2003:345).
